I met Griff when I was in the 10th grade. He had recently moved to Maryland from Georgia, and he instantly captured my heart with his southern accent. He loved baseball (specifically the Braves), enjoyed time at the golf range, chewed his nails, enjoyed reading, had an ocean wave tattoo on his back, loved Outback Steakhouse, and loved to listen to Jimmy Buffett and Kenny Chesney. He tried to teach me how to drive his stick shift truck once...I failed horribly.
On January 12, 2007, Griff died instantly after his car struck a tree. My friend and I were at the scene of the accident before the police and ambulances arrived. Running to the car, I instantly knew. My heart felt as though it was physically breaking. That stormy night will forever be engraved in my memory. As family and friends begin to gather at his home, I kept waiting for him to walk through the door as though this was all just a joke.
The grieving process is different for each individual. Some may experience the following stages of grief, and others may only experience some. I experienced them all.
Denial. There was no way that this just happened. Not to me. Am I dreaming? This is all a big joke-a very sick joke-but a joke-right? He's going to walk through the door any minute.
Anger. Mad at myself. Mad at Griff. Mad at God. Mad at everyone. Mad at everyone's happiness. Mad at how everyone had moved on with their lives, and how I still couldn't.
Bargaining. I should have driven him home. Maybe I shouldn't have invited him out.
Depression. During this stage I was in a state of numbness. I quit my 2 jobs and dropped out of college. I stayed up all night and slept all day. During a very low point, I wanted to die.
Acceptance. This took some time. I read dozens of books about death and the afterlife beliefs of different cultures. I decided to go back to school, got my job back, began going out into the world again. I realized that Griff had passed and was not going to return. I received counseling sessions, let go of the guilt and forgave myself.
There was a time in my life when holidays, birthdays, weddings, and the birth of babies brought an overwhelming sense of sadness. I was so happy for the individuals who experienced these milestones, yet so angry and sad that I would never get a chance to see that type of happiness again. Other times I completely forgot that Griff had passed and would call him with some big news, just to realize he would never answer. With the support of family and friends, my heart slowly begin to heal. The most important thing I needed was to talk about my pain, talk about Griff's memory, and talk about nothing as well. I am forever thankful to all those friends and family members who let me talk their ears off.
I had promised myself that I was never going to fall in love again. This rationalization came from a place of fear. Fate had a different plan. Dan was the first person who made me laugh after Griff's passing...I mean like side hurting on the floor laughing. That wall I had built around my heart begin to crumble. Dan listened and watched me grieve. This past year, I married Dan, the man who never questioned my past love for Griff and who supported me through the toughest year of my life.
Although I would have never wanted to go through this experience, it has brought me closer to some individuals who have had similar experiences. It's been 10 years since Griff's passing and I am at a place of peace. I will forever hold him in my heart and remember the sweet memories we made. Although Griff's time was short on this Earth, I was blessed to have had him in my life.
