Moving Forward: Life After Losing A Loved One.

I met Griff when I was in the 10th grade. He had recently moved to Maryland from Georgia, and he instantly captured my heart with his southern accent. He loved baseball (specifically the Braves), enjoyed time at the golf range, chewed his nails, enjoyed reading, had an ocean wave tattoo on his back, loved Outback Steakhouse, and loved to listen to Jimmy Buffett and Kenny Chesney. He tried to teach me how to drive his stick shift truck once...I failed horribly. 

On January 12, 2007, Griff died instantly after his car struck a tree. My friend and I were at the scene of the accident before the police and ambulances arrived. Running to the car, I instantly knew. My heart felt as though it was physically breaking. That stormy night will forever be engraved in my memory. As family and friends begin to gather at his home, I kept waiting for him to walk through the door as though this was all just a joke. 

The grieving process is different for each individual. Some may experience the following stages of grief, and others may only experience some. I experienced them all.

Denial. There was no way that this just happened. Not to me. Am I dreaming? This is all a big joke-a very sick joke-but a joke-right? He's going to walk through the door any minute.

Anger. Mad at myself. Mad at Griff. Mad at God. Mad at everyone. Mad at everyone's happiness. Mad at how everyone had moved on with their lives, and how I still couldn't.

Bargaining. I should have driven him home. Maybe I shouldn't have invited him out. 

Depression. During this stage I was in a state of numbness. I quit my 2 jobs and dropped out of college. I stayed up all night and slept all day. During a very low point, I wanted to die.

Acceptance. This took some time. I read dozens of books about death and the afterlife beliefs of different cultures. I decided to go back to school, got my job back, began going out into the world again. I realized that Griff had passed and was not going to return. I received counseling sessions, let go of the guilt and forgave myself.

There was a time in my life when holidays, birthdays, weddings, and the birth of babies brought an overwhelming sense of sadness. I was so happy for the individuals who experienced these milestones, yet so angry and sad that I would never get a chance to see that type of happiness again. Other times I completely forgot that Griff had passed and would call him with some big news, just to realize he would never answer. With the support of family and friends, my heart slowly begin to heal. The most important thing I needed was to talk about my pain, talk about Griff's memory, and talk about nothing as well. I am forever thankful to all those friends and family members who let me talk their ears off.

I had promised myself that I was never going to fall in love again. This rationalization came from a place of fear. Fate had a different plan. Dan was the first person who made me laugh after Griff's passing...I mean like side hurting on the floor laughing. That wall I had built around my heart begin to crumble. Dan listened and watched me grieve. This past year, I married Dan, the man who never questioned my past love for Griff and who supported me through the toughest year of my life. 

Although I would have never wanted to go through this experience, it has brought me closer to some individuals who have had similar experiences. It's been 10 years since Griff's passing and I am at a place of peace. I will forever hold him in my heart and remember the sweet memories we made. Although Griff's time was short on this Earth, I was blessed to have had him in my life.

This is 30

I have embraced being thirty and wanted to pass along a list of goals that I have accomplished, am in the process of completing, or plan to continue pursuing. These goals are in no particular order, but have made this year be one full of love, appreciation of self, and paved a road to happiness.

1. Apply face moisturizer and sunblock EVERY DAY.

Believe me you will see a big difference on your skin in even as short as a month.

2. Drink more water.

It is recommended that you divide your weight by 2 and drink that amount in ounces each day, plus a little more. I have an awesome water bottle that reminds me to keep hydrated.

3. Get Married!

Well this one should be once you have found someone who truly accepts you in every form and encourages you to reach your highest potential.

4. Host a party of 30.

Each time you host a party you activate your planning and budgeting skills. You try new recipes and improve on others. But more importantly, you feel a deep gratitude for the loved ones who have gathered in your home.

5. Go natural.

I dyed my hair for almost 2 decades. This year I decided to let it grow naturally for the first time. Although I have noticed a couple grays, my hair has never felt healthier. I also wear less makeup as I have learned to be more comfortable in my own skin.

6. Get a massage at least once a year.

Massages release toxins and provide you with a euphoric feeling like no other. Deep tissue, Swedish, seaweed wrap, stone…so many options!

7. Begin/Continue putting money into retirement and savings.

I honestly wish I had started to do this earlier. However, I’ve learned that it’s never too late to start.

8. Eat ‘Certified Humane’ meat.

I have recently made an effort to eat meat that comes from farmers that focus on humane treatment of their animals. It may be a little more expensive, but your body and conscience will feel better.

9. Go hiking!

I have learned to love hiking. I am not an expert and honestly my knees begin to hurt after 5 miles. However the views you see and hour long talks with friends provide such a therapeutic experience.

10. Travel the World!

I have traveled so much; just to realize I haven’t traveled enough at all. Warning once you begin, you may never want to stop. If you are consumed by wanderlust, you will find a way to travel. This world is too beautiful to not explore.

11. Focus on dental care.

I carry floss picks in my car and floss as much as I can. At this point of your life you need to make sure to invest in your teeth to avoid decay.

12. Say “No” more often.

Saying “yes” can take a toll on your body, time, and pocket. When you say “no” to others you are not letting them down, you are simply being honest with what you can handle.

13. Love your Body.

You have lived with your body for 30 years. You know its potential and you know its needs of improvement. At this point, you should be embracing your curves and edges!

14. Listen to NPR and/or read a newspaper every day.

Facebook should not be your main source of news. Know your stance on policies and the ways they affect your day to day life.

15. Explore Washington, D.C. (or another city near you).

If you live in or near DC, you may take for granted how amazing this city is. Learn to appreciate the history, the national museums (they’re free), and multiple events that bring diverse groups of

people together.

16. Cut yourself off from the internet.

If you are going on an extended trip, why not fully appreciate your trip and avoid going online. On our 2 week honeymoon I only logged on to Facebook for a total of 15 minutes. I read 3 books, explored old cities, and truly appreciated my time with my love. There was a sense of freedom that came from doing this.

17. Cut negative individuals out of your life.

At times severing ties with friends may hurt as they were once a part of who you were. However the feeling of peace and happiness that takes over your life afterwards makes you realize that you should have cut ties long before.

18. Bake from Scratch.

Betty Crocker may be yummy and all, but baking from scratch will lead to a sense of accomplishment and delight.

19. Watch AFI’s 100 Greatest American Films.

Some films are so beautifully made. You may be surprised to enjoy a movie that you may have never thought to like or even know existed.

20. Treat yourself.

Once in a while go on a shopping spree, get a pedicure, a massage, or eat dinner at a fine dining restaurant. Sometimes you may be concentrating on meeting other people’s needs that you forget to take care of yourself.

21. Eat dinner together every night.

Make a promise to your significant other and your family to put away cell phones, turn off the TV, and sit together at the dinner table. This is my favorite part of my day J

22. Get Up Early. Stay Up Late.

There’s a Faith Hill song called “The Secret of Life,” that incorporates these two lines. Wake up and watch the sunrise or stay up pass your bedtime enjoying the company of friends. Basically there’s no secret to life.

23. Learn about your history.

Research where you come from and explore your culture. Learning about your past can provide you with an understanding of who you are as a person. My husband’s family came to America on the Mayflower and can trace their family back to the early 1300’s. How cool is that!

24. Eat one apple each day.

You have hit 30. You’d be surprised how an apple a day will keep you healthy and feeling good. I never miss a day!

25. Listen more, talk less.

“Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand, but with the intent to reply.” When you begin to actively listen, you get to feel the emotion behind the message and learn a thing or two.

26. Pick up a hobby.

If you dedicate your time to a hobby or project you begin to feel a sense of happiness and accomplishment. This may lead to new friends, new lifestyle, or even a new skill.

27. Check-In with family and friends.

Commit to talking or seeing a loved one at least once a month. There’s nothing like a good cup of coffee paired with some good laughs.

28. Go Green.

Recycle as much as you can, turn off lights, shop with reusable bags, and use glass instead of plastic. Do your part in making our World a better place.

29. Sing!

Belt it out in the car, in the shower, or with your family. A grew up singing in front of my church and with my family. Singing releases anxiety and brings peace to the soul. My husband and I sing together as he plays the guitar. It's one of my favorite things to do on this Earth. 

30. Find happiness.

You know yourself better than anyone else. Life is too short and you deserve to live, laugh, and love wholeheartedly.